Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I am feeling this all encompassing sense of loneliness again. Feeling adrift, cast out. Granted I’m in Korea, it is the end of call, the nights are longer, the days colder, and I am alone.
The feeling persists though.
There is this sense of isolation here. I am so far away from everything. Far from friends and lovers, far from home. I am far from home.
A part of me wants everything to be home here, and the rest of me knows this cannot be. There is pressure on all fronts and all corners. I want to be amusing and witty, but instead I am the same person I always am. A drumming heartbeat of who am I?
I realize, as is always the case now, that I have shut myself off again. I stop writing, I close up, close down. In my apartment I sit and stare at blank walls. I am a blank wall. I think to myself, is there nothing in here to share? Where did all my words go?
Where is my muse?
What drives me to write? Does it serve a purpose? Is there anyone out there? Are you out there?
Maybe that is the question. I put a finger out, a hand, I reach across time and space for you. I want to hold you there, to feel you, to feel the heat rising off your body. To feel your warm breath on cold fall mornings, to hear you whisper in the dark with me. I want to hear you and see you and know you there, a walk, a moment in time, someone there with me to ease what feels like a constant open nothing.
I want to know you are still there with me.
The winter is coming. Perhaps that is it. Another cold winter in Korea, another year, another change…
But I miss…
I think silly thoughts on cold winter afternoons. Surrounded by people who fill me only with a wanting and a longing that I cannot fill up…and I circle back here.