Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Intimacy is in the Details

We begin that night's discussion focused very much on the Project, as we had been dancing around him for three nights, but tonight was the last chance the three of us had and, whether or not the Project was aware of it, we were going to flay him alive. We got a more thorough description from the Balance of some of the problems the Project was causing the The Balance’s Home for Wayward Boys. Mostly, he just seemed terribly unaware that people existed at all and that any his actions might upset someone. One example given was, when watching a YouTube video, he was asked by the Balance to do something, and, upon ignoring the Balance, the screen was turned off. The project then merely turned around, without comment, and continue to watch the video on another available screen. It’s the sort of thing that would send me into a fit of rage.

“It’s like he doesn’t realize that I am GOD in this house.”

He really didn't. The discussion turned inevitably to his strengths and weaknesses.

“I know this is a problem,” he explained the Bard, who had been recounting how every decision he made was about avoiding risk.

“I mean, I know it is a problem.”

“What you have to understand is that your top strength is also your greatest weakness. You are almost incapable of making a decision. You are incapacitated by making decisions, unless you have passed it through several others, and always, your decision is going to be to avoid any serious risk. And everything is  a risk, including connecting with people, which is why you avoid connection.”

“That’s true.” He was interrupted by his phone again. While we knew that this would happen, I pulled out my most domineering bitch-goddess card and played it anyway.

“Do you want to go through life being disconnected from everything?” I asked.

He turned back to his phone.

“Put your phone away for a few moments and listen.”

“But you knew I had to be on my phone.”

“Not the point.”

“Ms. Deville, this is something we have all tried before.”

I just smiled. The Project put his phone away.

“Why are you always seeking attention?” I asked the Project.

The Balance inhaled a breath, “I didn’t see it. Of course. I didn’t see it.”

The Project, for once, actually looked confused. The Balance filled it in.

“It’s about intimacy. You can’t create intimacy. You can’t connect with people, and you can’t make the choice to do so because of the risk, so everything, everything you do is about getting attention, creating intimacy through direct action if not otherwise.”

We followed this thread for awhile. We considered how we all connected to each other in our lives, how we created intimacy in different ways, whether healthy or unhealthy. The Balance’s Home for Wayward Boys provided an intimate connection that allowed him to balance his desire to be around people that are filled with youth and potential. My variety of lovers and adventures allowed me to reflect on who I am. The Bard and the Electrician and their hour-long discussions that peeled back the layers reality until, underneath, they found the kernels of real truth hidden by the Wizard’s curtain was their intimacy. We all had intimacy in some form or another, while the Project was so far from it that one wondered if he could ever get there.

Wine flowed, and Sugar was happy to bring us more on request; we three talked and talked as rain fell down on California. It was a moment in time where we examined our own nature through the nature of someone unmindful.

I wondered to myself as we exited if the Project would succeed or fail. Then I thought that was not the point; he provided a good mirror for the person none of us wanted to be ever again: unmindful, unrealized, unfulfilled.

The air was warm and moist as we descended from the restaurant and got into the car. We were all quiet as we rode back to the hotel.

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