Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Homesickness and Sara's Madness

Turmoil makes me write more then I normally would. I know that this will be the last post before my vacation because I simply won't have the internet access for it after today, and I also know that the distraction of friends will keep me well and away from my computer. Why turmoil? Why all the craziness suddenly with this otherwise happy little saradevil? Call it culture shock if you will, or homesickness perhaps more appropriately, maybe lovesickness from too much time spent to long away from all the people I love and miss so much.

Homecomings are good for solving that sort of thing, but time, life, living; all these things are too short and cut too deep. I can't see everyone that I want to see and not everyone who wants too can see me. Such is life, no anger at the thought, but a sadness that just sinks into one and keeps everything else from rising. The thirty hours in transit will fix a lot of that.

I am lucky enough to be dragging along Sam for this particular homecoming which will be nice, since the last time I traveled to the States I traveled alone. It seems silly I should not be nearly so homesick since I was home for almost two weeks last December, but as it is. A long time in Korea can make one crazy for so many things, and this does not explain at all why when I do get to the States that I spend at least the first day there thinking that I have no right to be there and should really be in Korea.

Sometimes I feel finished. I feel finished with Korea and want to go home. As soon as I get home I feel the same sort of resolve and just want to get back to Korea. Korea is my home now, I wish that were not true, but I know in my heart of hearts it is true. I love many people in the US and certainly several dozen of you have written to remind me of that in the last day, for which I am truly grateful. As it is though, my home is no longer in the US. I've lived in Korea longer then I have lived in any single place since Shimer which was the last place I would have called home.

Shimer is no more and that core of what Shimer was now lies within the people that are scattered around the country. Some of whom I can see and some who I might never get to see again. There is sadness in that as well. I enjoy this silly webpage more because I feel like Shimer lies here somewhere in all these people that I once new gathered together so I can share experiences, lives, loves and the transitions that have been made.

If I cannot call my old Alma Mater home anymore then what do I have? I think about this and I realize that Korea is really the only answer. Oh, I'm well aware that the Shimer-in-Exile program we have created her has probably helped to make this feel like home and I appreciate that a great deal. It's fun to be able to go and sit and still discuss with just as much passion and foolishness philosophy and pedagogy with a group of people that has not changed in a decade. I wonder sometimes if I'm stuck in my own feedback loop on myself and don't move on. I know there is some truth to that. Part of my own special brand of madness, I suspect, as I fear any sort of moving on will be the end of me. I have changed, of course, but my passions have not changed so much as instead they have become even more deeply entrenched and more irrevocably Sara.

There is art, and music, and life, and art, and sex, and bawdy humor, and witty repartee and all the things that I have ever woven into that core of who I am, and all of these things remain. I change here and there a little at a time but remain as static as possible. Safety in that as well.

Traveling is good though, and I intend to do a lot more of it this year then I have in years past. Now that I've come to realize that Korea has become my safe haven I might explore shaking that up a bit and finding a change of pace from my current local. Maybe Russia, or Europe, or the Middle East, or Greece, some other country where I can make a good living trading on the only commodity that I have to offer. At least I offer it well.

Fortunately for me I have all my heartache that I could ask for and in a few short days I'll be able to fill it with the company, conversation, and amusements that only a homecoming after so long away can provide. I'm happy in that. If I prattle on too much with my "This one time, in Korea" feel free to slap me and change the subject and I'll do my best to not be homesick for Han-guk whilst I'm hanging around in Me-guk.

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