Monday, March 26, 2007

Control the World

I feel visceral today. I woke up this morning and I was raw need, energy, something else; a tangle of dense things that I cannot describe. I try to untangle the web of them to find the place where I start to emote but I can find nothing. I pull one thread and it is Korea and it leads me for a while into the center and I see the faces floating pasts of friends, and students, and teachers, and lovers, and companions, and drunks, and I pull and I find no ending I just get further wrapped in; pulled into the mood. It is not so dark to be visceral; it is just what it is, instinct, need, drive.

I walk to work and I can breathe it in the air, the lungful of dust makes me feel powerful and weak at the same time. I can conquer anything and nothing. I want to create and I want to destroy. I want to laugh and I want to cry. Ah, ah, I think, I’m paradox again. Has it been so short a time since I was last paradox?

Stand before the temple bell in the bell park. Fal-un-gong guy is gone, he has disappeared and I worry about him. For the last year I would see him each morning practicing his ritual for the rising sun before the tempered ancient bell. He wears a yellow rain suit and is there each morning. He rides a motorized bicycle and on it there is a small cube. The cube rings out the chants which resonate through the park. He is alone for his mediations even with everyone walking by him. I feel for his passion and his dedication. In the hot hot of summer he removed the rain coat on one or two occasions. Each time I saw underneath the coat he wore a blue t-shirt that said “Learn Math” in big block English letters. He never acknowledge me and I never acknowledge him but I was acutely aware of him each time I walked past. In my mood today, my gut racing, my brain falling behind, I walk by Fal-un-gong guy’s spot and I feel a sense of loss.

The birds chirp at me as I cut through the park, the sun rises, my students see me and wave trying to cut through the angry music that blares at my from my walkman. I want to say walkman, I want to feel that ancient power I felt when I was twelve years old and I would walk with my walkman, holding the play button just so to get the songs to play at speed when the battery was dying. It was the only thing for it when the battery died, new batteries were expensive so I forced my music as long as I could, the sounds important. I could not tolerate silence. I still cannot; but the desire for silence is there.

No today is internal, must control everything or be controlled by everything. I follow the lead that takes me. I know what I want and what I want is good. I walk, pound the pavement, enjoy how it reverberates through my boots, each hard step on the sidewalk. There is a marble strip down the center of the sidewalk. It runs the entire length from my apartment to my school, a strip of marble tile. It is death during the monsoon to walk on the sidewalk, one wrong turn and you slip and fall on the marble tile. I have always wondered to myself why a country with seasonal rains would put a slick polished marble center in all the sidewalks. I step carefully. I rule the world in my own mind. I am the world. I am the sun and I move through it because I have too.

Trees are blooming and my hair is filled with the white snow of the cherry blossoms that line the walk in the park. The petals drift down from those trees that dared to break out, break free early and become something. They drift into my hair and I feel like a spring snow princess covered from head to toe in white. It reinforces my instinctual desire to plow the world. I want to force and conform it all today to my perfect ideal. I want to be the raw energy power of the place around me. Korea is all wrong. The energy here has always been all wrong. I can’t tap it, but sometimes during the spring, I feel perfectly in tune with the Shin-sun, the spirit of the land, spirit of the mountain. It opens up and embraces me and I don’t fight it, I am equal to it. I accept it and can befriend, talk it up, dance with it, drink with it, make love too it, the raw force and I accept each other.

I am full of too much living this morning, and last night full of too much day; and possibly a bit too full of myself.

I feel visceral today.

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