Monday, March 19, 2007

Kidnapped

I'm walking home from school and I'm just about to get to the crosswalk to cross the large street before heading down the bend around the corner at the next large street and the two extra blocks to my gym. I'm thinking as I begin this walk, about ten blocks in all, that my life is really boring. I'm thinking this because I am trying to think of some story to tell, some blog to write, something to give me cause to stack electrons together, but I've got nothing. All I can think about is some homework I have to do when I get home, figuring out how to plug object a into slot b and getting it all done in time for deadlines that are ever looming for those uncompromising masters that keep us slaves driving. Aside from that, I've got nothing but extremely boring silliness at work. So I'm thinking this and wondering to the mighty gods what I might do for excitement when I am suddenly kidnapped.

Just as I am walking up to cross the right turn lane to get to the cement island before crossing the street a little blue car pulls up and three Korean jump out and run up to me. I have three different arms on both of mine, and one hand on my back and a nice woman in a white coats says "We have festival, okay? You come, we have big celebration. We love foreigners, come on, let's go." I pull away from the nice psychotic woman in the white coat and smile and shake my head no and say that I'm going to the gym and I don't have time for a wine and cheese festival, or whatever else it is she is on.

"No, no, come. We have big festival, lot's of people, you come on, okay?" And with that the three woman proceeded to lead me to the car. I took about two seconds to think about it and decided that since I was just the moment before wondering to the mighty gods about my boring life that I might as well take this as a sign and go along with it. Plus the lady in the white coat was strangely smiley in an unstable sort of way and I was intrigued. One of these days I'm going to get myself killed getting into cards with strangers, but of the fifteen or so times I've done it, either hitchhiking or just randomly trusting people I don't know to drive me out into the middle of the countryside, I have not landed in any trouble. So why not. I tossed off my backpack and let the woman drag me into the car and we were off.

The lady in white was driving, but she spent so much time looking at me in the mirror I was worried she was going to get us all killed.

"We go to festival, okay?"

"Sure."

"Where you from?"

"Chicago." At this all three ladies start clapping their hands together and squealing like high school girls who have just met their first rock start. I start smiling a stupid grin that I simply cannot get off my face. I have feeling I know where this whole kidnapped thing is going but at this point I'm committed and far to amused to turn around now.

"Where are we going?" I ask in Korean.

"Oh, yes, we go to festival. Our festival. Many people." Uh huh, I think, wait for it.

"Where are we going?"

"Big festival. Foreigners love it. Here, pictures, we have pictures." And here come the brochures. The brochures lead us to pictures of the woman as they greeted people at all the big sporting events in Daegu over the past three years. And then pictures of their congregation. And then pictures of the parish. And then pictures of the pastor. And then Jesus and the lamb. Ah, finally, I think. I've been kidnapped by church ladies.

In America you have it sort of easy. You have the Jehovahs and the Mormons and the Baptists, who might knock on your door early on a Saturday morning when you are trying to have breakfast/wakeupsex/wank/sleepin time. Sure, it's annoying but it can be either ignored or scared away. Here in Korea we have those too, the wandering annoying roving bands of Churchies that are trying to gather and convert while I'm at homing working out or early on a Saturday morning when I'm trying to sleep off my previous night. However, in Korea we have a extra special brand of annoying Churchies. These are the Churchies that literally grab people of the street and throw them into cars, or buses or trucks, or pull them into a crowd to join in a group prayer, or any number of other odd strange pushy things that can happen. Here in Korea the Churchies have gone completely mad. Understand, they don't just do this to the waygooks, they do this to the Koreans too. They are crazy pushy church people who will not take no for an answer and kidnapping someone of the street in the name of their particular lord is just par for the course. Ah, churchies.

So the women who had kidnapped me drove me around several corners and promised to drive me home after the festival. We pulled up in front of a ten story building where the church was located and I was shuffled in by the nice church ladies to enjoy the festival.

"You like wine? You like bread? Let's have some!" I'm feeling like Persephone in the underworld. I've read that story, I think. "No, thanks, I'm fine." I say.

They start talking to me and out come the bibles. They point me towards Revelation first to explain to me that their church follows a particular belief that they are in the third age of our lord, somewhere after the father and Jesus and what they label the age of the Holy Spirit. They point me towards bits of Revelations that they have underlined and for some reason the word that is highlighted in the scripture over and over again is "Come."

Lady in white says "You see. You have to come. Come to the spirit. The spirit will come on you. It will come on you and you will understand." I keep smiling and try not to let that smile split further into the borderline hysterical giggles that I want to have because I know that my hysterical giggles will not be understood.

"If you like Jesus will come on you. First you eat him. Then he comes on you." I'm thinking that this all sounds very familiar for some reason, like dubbing on bad Asian porn, I continue to smile and nod. "Have you ever eaten him? If you eat him, he will come on you, then you will swallow him and you will be saved." My fingers grip the table in a white-knuckled hold of doom. My other hand I'm using to pinch my leg, and my teeth have been firmly chomped down on my tongue. I. WILL. NOT. LAUGH. I think to myself as the hysterical giggles move even closer to the surface.

"It's okay. I'll go get the man. He will come on you. Then we will all eat him together. And then he will come on all of us. Are you ready to go eat him and swallow him now?" White church lady asks me quite imploringly and I just look at her, and smile and shake my head no.

"No? Why not, don't you want to be filled? Don't you want him to come on you? Don't you want to swallow him? You swallow him and eat him and you will feel better!" She is so emphatic so convinced in her belief, and I am so amused so close to my hysteria. I shake my head no again and politely refuse to eat or be come on and try to explain that I hold religious beliefs that are very different from hers.

After a few minutes of trying to explain the lady in white glazes over and I realize that she is completely incapable of understanding the dense argument I'm trying to pass on her. Fortunately she doesn't pull out "Thou shall not suffer a witch to live." But instead says "Wait a minute," and runs off to get someone who speaks better English.

The poor seminary student they pull in to try to convince me is not doing any better.

"You have to eat the flesh. See Adam and Eve. Adam comes first. Then he comes on Eve. Then Eve comes, but she cannot come without Adam, so Adam goes to her, but they can't be okay until Jesus comes. And when he comes everyone is happy and everyone comes." I smile and nod some more and go back to my table gripping.

"You need to eat and drink Jesus, when he comes on you, then you will feel the power. You will have it in your ear." At that point I realize this is only going to get worse and I'm going to end up offending someone if I don't get out of this place soon. So I finally very, very politely say that I'm a Buddhist, which immediately makes everyone stop trying. The look of despondency in their eyes tells me they will no longer try to convert. Buddha, that great big bellied enemy has won again. But they smile and press on.

"He will come on you another day. You eat him and he will come. Next time, he will come." I smile and nod and the lady in white shuffles me back off to her little blue car and the churchies actually drive me most of the way to the gym. I thank them politely for the ride and the conversation before stepping out of the car and waving goodbye as they drove away.

I waited until the car turned the corner to let go of all that laughter I was holding back. It was really the only polite thing to do after such a big come on.

3 comments:

BillyWarhol said...

oh my gosh*

i haven't read anything that wild in a long time!!

not since Tom Robbins Stillife w/ Woodpecker*

My life must be boring too*

yer Funny & a really good Writer!! ;))

Sara said...

Ah, shucks. Thanks.

Nunyo Bidness said...

"He will come on you." Must have been that Jeong Myung Seok cult...that guy's all about coming on people apparently. Bleah. In your ear? Oh well, at least they weren't Krishnas.