Friday, October 26, 2007

Chicken Pox

My entire body is working against me at this point.

I have clinical malaise. I feel like doing nothing. I feel like being nothing.

I cannot focus, I cannot pay attention to my classes, and the pain has taken over everything. My body has moved my pain into my nerves. The nerves have exploded and everything happens through a filter of this.

I've experienced more pain. Yet this is seems somehow more difficult pain. It's the malaise.

Actually, it's chicken pox.

I had chicken pox when I was about ten. I remember it as four days of laying about eating books and trying not to scratch anything. It was rather unpleasant but it is one of those childhood experiences everyone is expected to go through. Get the chicken pox as a child, you must, you have too, or you can get it as an adult and that's worse. So much worse, it is believed. And so children get pushed to play with the friends who have chicken pox so it can be had and be over with.

How swell this is.

And with all swell things there is a downside. With chicken pox the downside is the fact that I never actually leaves your system but lies dormant in the body waiting just waiting. It sleeps in your nervous system, close to all those nerves, close to all the places that make your body kick and twitch. And if it gets a break, if you are properly stressed, over worked, not eating well, tired, and strung out, then that virus that has been there for years is going to come back and step in. It will bring bumps, loss of concentration, and malaise. It's called shingles, adult chicken pox, and it's a real bitch.

The worst part of this is the malaise. This feeling of loss, this absence of desires, I am a creature driven by my passions and my desires. To have those robbed from me, now, when I need to be most confident and in control, is beyond depressing.

I keep telling myself if I can just hold it together a few more days, a few more days and I won't be sick anymore, I won't feel disconnected. I won't feel ready to drop off the face of the earth. I won't want to just dissolve.

Or maybe I will, but I'll be able to harness it better and push it into those things that keep me together. Just a few more days.

Just a few more days.

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