Thursday, October 18, 2007

Where is my fall?

The weather tells me that fall is here, that it's dropping all around me, that it's the season that should bring contentment and peace as the wind wends away the old and brings about cold sleepy death of winter and soon spring again. I want to be happy about it. I went to reveal in a change of colors, a change of seasons, a change of all things. But I'm set back and away. The leaves aren't changing for some reason; they just get a richer green. Everything grows full but nothing ends.

A problem fall is what has happened. No Indian summer, no quiet polite extension of season. Rather it is an extension of transitional tension. A suspension of the perfectly moving forward animation that allows seasons to end and life to begin again. I want to see some ending. I need it. I would rather have ending then ever present wallowing in histrionics that does my heart no good. Let it all fall down.

Maybe it is just general malaise. Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe it is time for a new place. Maybe it is time for an old place. Maybe it is time to get comfortable. Maybe it is time to move on. Maybe it is a time for missing. Maybe it is a time for talking. Maybe it is a time for silence. Maybe it is nothing but a pain in my back that puts everything else on edge. Maybe it's a lack of food. Maybe it's too much drink. Maybe it's not enough. Maybe I've gotten complacent. Maybe I'm not complacent enough.

I shiver in air that is not even chill. Barely enough to raise a goose-bump but enough to make me cold. I work, I walk, I write, I sleep, I work out. I feel like the season today. Full but not ending, filling up but without the expected release that comes with the change of weather. Anticipation is everywhere, in the season, in the air, in me. But a quiet static has enveloped all things and prevented all forward moment. It just goes on with no ending, when everything wants it to end.

It's the deep breath before the final turn. I'll feel better when I remember how to breath.

1 comment:

Jill said...

I hate forgetting how to breath. :-( :-( :-( Actually, I don't forget. Every once in a great while, it does seem like too much work though. I hope you're feeling better.