Thursday, April 17, 2008

Around we go again...

It was a building malaise. It had been building for days. Since the rock throwing. Since forever. Since coming back to Korea. Since feeling homesick.


I sat in my home and debated. Go, stay, go, stay.

Staying was winning.

Then I realized I had been staying in for a month. I was killing myself slowly with loneliness staying it. I was forgetting about people and places and things. I was forgetting that there was a life worthwhile outside the doors of my apartment and the doors of my classroom.

So I got dressed up, grabbed my book, and went out.

The book was my friend. The book was there to keep me company if there was no one out to see. I walked in the rain that was falling, a breezy light must, but I didn’t mind. The mist was cold and put a chill in me that made goose bumps stand up on my arms. It was cool and breezy. My hair loose and tangled in the wind as I walked down the street.

I walked towards the Lonely Hearts Club and contemplated why. Would I find the answer to my heart there waiting for me? I wondered about that. When I feel that pit in my stomach and remember faces in the haunting mist, here words that would undo me….I wonder about the lonely hearts that aren’t mine.

I feel lonely when I realize that most of my friends leave after a year.

I feel lonely because I stay.

I feel lonely because I’m not going to go anywhere yet.

Walking in the rain I thought of my past and my future and the rain falling down. I walked slowly, in no rush for what I would find. The neon glitters around me and I duck into the park to get away, a forest in the city, a quiet place.

I enter the club and see some familiar faces. People I know but not quite friends. I can let myself go, I can sit with them, make new friends who will leave. I ask to sit at their table and they acquiesce. I get ready to get a drink.

There are arms around me from behind. Strange. I wonder why someone is grabbing me from behind. What now, Korea, I think.

There is a voice in the air, a quiet voice that comes with the arms and I turn me head and look down to see a face, a girl, a love, a dream, in the Lonely Hearts Club that is suddenly much less lonely.

I know this girl, my girl, H~, beautiful, gone for so long. I was sure that I would never see her again, had given up seeing her, feeling her hands, smelling her hair.

I turned around and pressed her close to me. We grasp hands, nuzzle necks. She kisses me and I kiss her back. We are like school girls finding a warm home in each other. We are people who go and come back and go and come back and keep staying even with the changes.

“Everything changes,” she says to me.

“You look beautiful,” I say.

“Yes, but old.”

“No, that’s me.”

“No, you look different. You look happier.”

“Maybe, I’m sad, sometimes. In love. But for all the wrong reasons.”

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“It’s been a long trip.”

“You look the same. But your…ki-boon…is older, maybe.”

She smiles, “Yes. Ki-boon. It feels older.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

“I missed you.”

“I’m happy. If I’m happy, everyone is happy.”

I smile at her. “If your happy than I can’t be angry at you.”

“Accept that I’m sad.”

“You can’t be sad, or everyone is sad.”

“Everything changes.”

We sit and hold hands. We take pictures of each other. We hold each other. We fall into each other all over again.

Everything changes. Change with it. It’s the only thing that can be done in the end. The only thing that really matters.

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