Sunday, December 14, 2008

Nervous Breakdowns

Nothing like the holiday season to put the nervous back in ones breakdown. I had been feeling tetchy all day and lot really sure why. Finally it built up to explosion point. This is when my roommate kicked me out of the house. "Leave, and don't come back til your drunk, your annoying the dog." The dog looked up at me and then ran under the bed so I suspect this was more or less true.

I figured why not so I determined where I might get some food changed clothes and left thinking that hitting a bar at ten in the evening on a Friday and seeing some people I know might calm me down. It probably could have gone better.

The nervous twitchiness did not stop after a drink and a game of pool in which I rain the table like a pro. Okay, I take a deep breath and try to remain calm. I hear pounding up the stairs and look up to see friendly faces. This will calm me down, I think.

And the friendly faces come over.

And each one takes a turn shaking my hand, or giving a hug, or kissing the cheek.

And then each one in turn asks me the same question regarding varying different people.

"Have you seen Australian Chickie?"
"Have you heard from Monolycus?"
"What is going on with Australian Chickie?"
"Where's Monolycus been, I haven't seen him in a while."

And suddenly for no apparent reason I feel that nervous pressure building up and now it has a focus. The focus is in the question. The nervousness is a result of me needing to be selfish for a minute and talk about me. The anger is feeling like every face I smiled at and hand I shook and hug I adminstered is only interested in seeing me for details I might provide about someone else.

I have another drink.

I play another game of pool.

A new player enters and sits down with his beer, he smiles seeing me.

"So Sara, talk to Australian chickie lately." 

And that is when I lost it. I started yelling, loudly, at the top of my lungs for a good five minutes. After yelling I realized too things. 1) I'm not less angry.
2) I'm being an unbearable cunt.

The second realization hurt more than the first. So I stopped. Finished my drink, said goodbye to the players and prepared to leave.

"You know, sometimes it helps to just punch somebody." says one of the blokes.

"True, but tonight one punch might not be enough tonight."

That wasn't true. It was just a build up that needed explosion. I should have gone home. Instead I went to the Lonely Hearts Club which was full of people on a Friday night. I met a musician I know and we talk music. Hyun poors me a comfort shot. I should probably go home I keep thinking.

Finally H, walks with me out of the bar. We make it to the second landing before I cry for a moment on his shoulder.

"You need to go home." He tells me.

"I know, but sometimes I need this too. This crazy. This insane. To make it all make sense."

It was three a.m. when I finally managed to walk through the door. The dog gruffed at me before rolling over and returning to sleep.

And I thought for a moment that while I had gone from angry to sad during the night mostly because I felt no one was caring about me I failed to realize that I was the worst offender for the evening. I wasn't caring for myself.

I woke up around nine the next morning. Slightly hungover, oddly refreshed. I needed a meltdown, I got one, and I truly felt better for it.

I spent Saturday night drinking water in the same bars and buying drinks for all the guys who didn't punch me during my abusive moments or kick me during the sad ones. Sometimes it takes a mild nervous breakdown to realize just how good your friends are.


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