Thursday, April 09, 2009

Contemplations

It's changing into spring so quick that if you stop you will miss the changeover. The change is passing me by. Mostly a combination of the illness that never ends, the ennui that is just beginning and the terror of a future yet to come.

If I think about the future I get cold chills. I think about the past I get deep jagged scars of charred ground to run from.

So where am I in the middle of that.

I blame the girls. I suspect that somehow this is being lead astray. The desire to be there, to be perfect, to be right, to be interesting, to be wanted. To give.

I want to give.

But when do I get. I have no desire to get. The get seems selfish, self driven, uninspired, self obsessed even. I want to get but to visualize that want into a need, drive, desire, whim, fancy...ah, then I feel I am a horrible person.

Korea has been oppressive freedom lately. It's the freedom that I struggle with the most. To Be here. Ah, there is the problem with Korea. Korea does not care what any waygook visitor would care To Be. You can work To Be anyone and no one will pay attention.

Going back to the states though, where to be is to be among a million others trying to be, to do, to outdo, to outshine, to trod, to trample down. All equally perusing happiness with reckless disregard. It's not that I disagree, mind you. It's early refreshing to think of being noticed. But being noticed. To Be seen.

A frightening shock.

I just wish for a day my head would stop hurting.





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