Monday, July 13, 2009

Chronic Illiness

I've been damn sick. I've been sick for so long I don't remember what it's like to be one hundred percent healthy anymore. Every two weeks I've been back at my doctor and every two weeks I'm back on antibiotics.

It's been like this since March. Since I first got the strep that I that almost killed me. It went away, life was okay, things returned to normal.

Then it came back. Again in March.

So I went to the doctor for round two. And it was gone, and I started to feel better.

Then it came back, again.

And again.

All together it's come back on me six times. I hate it. I can't stand being sick anymore. I hate the swelling in my throat, I hate the pain, the fever. The antibiotics are giving me nausea all the time. I can't sleep with this thing.

It hurts me. It's been carving out a small part of my soul while it kills me slowly. It finally came down to me scheduling a tonsillectomy, which should be noted is a painful and majorly frustrating surgery for adults. That will have to happen as soon as I get back to Korea.

The strep has taken over such a large part of my life that I've failed to talk about anything at all. Anything interesting or exciting has been killed by the now fully entrenched depression brought on by being sick for ever and ever. And there are good things. I just can't remember them anymore. I wish I could.

Leaving to fly to Chicago was horrible. The day began at three a.m. when I realized that just five days after having got over my last round of strep it was back and more painful then ever. So first up that morning was doctor number one. This was followed by finding a doctor number two for a surgery. This was followed by a return to doctor number one because during the day the strep got worse and I was worried about flying.

"Is it possible that flying could make it worse?"

"Well, your brain might fill with puss. Could die. But I can't help you make the decision."

I spent an hour on the phone with a travel agent thinking if I could just change my ticket and fly out a few days later I could save myself the brainpuss option and still get to the city on time for the class this I'd rather be killed by. Of course all things being generally hateful of Sara the conversation went like this...

Agent: "When can you fly?"

"Two days, my doctor says it will be better if I wait that long."

"Okay, if I make the changes you will have to pay a little more for the ticket."

"Okay, how much more."

"Well, it would be another 1,500 to change your ticket to that date." I paid 1,400 for the ticket.
So I end up on the bus to Seoul at five in the morning to take a flight that might kill me. The flight was long. No sleep the pain and the worry kept me up.

Landing felt hard. Throat tender and sore and I was so very tired. My throat continued to worry me for three more days only starting to feel a bit better today. I'm supposed to stop the antibiotics tomorrow. Will this be the magic time when I'm finally free of this fucked up illness for more than a month?

The days are long. I'm in the city but it's not vacation. Classes from eight til eight daily. My friend is remarked "It's like I'm running a hotel." I feel bad I want to see more of the city.

More of everyone.

I want to live the way I used to when I wasn't deal all the time with this stupid thing.

Hardly even 27 days left and a part of me already wishes I was just back in Korea and over with it already.


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