Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Return to the Center

The seasons are changing. I go back to work but I don’t think about work all day. I think about that moment coming, when the day is finished, a solitude, a time to myself.

The bus ride is long. I am packed in with the forty or so Koreans who ride the bus. I look at the window. I think of my departure, of walking up the stairs and entering that room. The moments hesitation, the fear, the unwillingness that will be broken down on the course of two hours.

When I walk through the doors I can feel the crushing pound of the eyes on me. I know I’m being watched; it makes me uncomfortable as I take of my clothes. Exposing myself to the tangible pressures of that moment, but I do not abate. I continue, I am moving toward something.

And this is when it happens. When I free myself from my thoughts, and the watching, and just give up and give into what my body wants, in fact needs. I can fee the slow steady pressure of it building within. It starts in my toes and works its way up my legs. I can feel the tiny hairs on my calves standing up as it moves slowly up my body. My breath comes shallow and sharp, harder, faster. I move into it, letting go, letting my hands move they way they want to move, pushing forward, exhilarating in the shake of my hip and the subtle bounce of my breasts as I keep pushing.

I want. I feel the wanting; it builds in my as sweat starts to drip down my face, down my neck, down my back. My hair becomes wet and curled with it, my lips moist with the hot breath flowing deeper now. The omnipresent tingle in my legs is joined by the same in my arms and head. All moving down and towards the center. I can feel the gasping overwhelming desire for release. I keep pushing harder, closer. The final explosion that comes leaves me shaken laughing, moving harder despite it. And exhilaration that can be replaced by nothing else that I know.

I stop.

My feet hurt.

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my eyes seem to throb in rhythm, my hands are shaking, and I wipe sweat from my brow.

And I stop and thank the Merry Goddess for not being sick anymore.

And I stop and realize just how truly unwell I have been for so long.

And I stop and appreciate my freedom, and my living, and my happiness and my release.

And I think that after a day worrying about it so much, it’s good to get back to the gym.

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