Monday, January 18, 2010

In the Future Only Porn Will Save You

It was a meeting of minds, or at least the usual suspects. The Bard in one corner, the Balance at the head of the table, and I somewhere in between. The suspects also included the Mauler in surprisingly good form. There were drinks a plenty and we had a reasonable share before finally settling in for the talks. The talks ranged all over the world and back. Mostly the talks start with my plans for next year which are many and varied and truly I have no real idea what is going on yet. Which is always a good place to be.

This somehow lead to a discussion of online privacy and net security. I started with thinking about my presentation of myself online and how this could lead to trouble with getting work or not.

“That’s just fucking ridiculous,” says the Balance.

“But…” I come back with, quick on my feet as ever.

“No, seriously, why would you care, and would you want to be hired by some company that was too concerned over whether or not you had done bukkake videos to care about your other qualifications,” the Balance finishes.

“We are getting to a point where it would be more likely that you wouldn’t hire someone if they hadn’t done porn,” adds the Bard. “Oh, I’m sorry, I see you don’t have any naked pictures online, I’m afraid we can’t hire you.”

“It makes you wonder what kind of qualifications we will need to have in a world where everyone has done porn and it’s posted online,” I expound.

Which leads us all to thinking.

“Well, like bukkake, what is bukkake exactly?” I ask.

“Bukkake would be ‘works well with others’, “ from the Bard.

“Okay so bukkake works well with others, good HR speak, so for the various sex acts we could have what kind of HR speak will be generated. How does HR break down porn?” I ask.

“What if you are only the bukkake-ee not the bukkaker?” The Bard.

“The bukkake-ee is which?” from me.

“The one receiving.” Says the Mauler.

“Uh, receptive to new ideas?” I add.

“Right, so, what about like a 69?” asks the Cowboy, who was also attending our little shindig, a three-hour drive not withstanding.

“Team player.”

“Lesbians with dildos?”

“Good with tools.”

“Transvestites?”

“Understand the needs of both sides.”

Menage a trois?”

“Able to multi-task.”

“Furries?”

“What are furries?”

“Like cosplay, they like to get it on while dressed as Donald Duck.”

“I don’t think there is anything that can make that a marketable skill.”

“Yes, yes, so we are coming to a day and age where everyone and everything will have some kind of deviated sexual experience and it will be up to management to determine whether or not you have a hireable skill,” expounds the Balance. He launches into a reenactment at this point. “So tell me what experience do you have?, Oh, prison sex? Community service, excellent.”

We contemplate the potential of new careers through our sordid sexual histories. Between the Bard and the Balance providing acceptable modifiers it turned out we were a group of extremely talented individuals, but then, we already new that. Also, apparently, most of us are good with our hands, excellent and multi-tasking, and hardworking team players.

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