Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dildo Quest 2010

“It’s a dildo hunt, you can’t just go in and assume you are going to find what you are looking for easily. It’s a dildo quest.”

The One was amused as I tried to explain that going to the antique store where one can procure stone and marble dildos was not like going to a sex-toy shop.

“Basically it is full of all sorts of junk and antiques. What you need to do is sort through all this and find the stone dildo you are looking for.”

We met downtown in Daegu to go on the quest. We were supposed to be meeting to take a Korean friend along, but sadly she couldn't make it, so we decided to quest alone. We walked down the street as I explained the ways and means of the dildo hunt to her.

“So, are they like antique stone dildos?” the One asked.

“I’m pretty sure they manufacture them for tourists. Still they are not the easiest things to find.”

We entered the store, which was overflowing with clutter. Brass, silver, stone, marble, and wood, everywhere the eye looked. I found an ancient gramophone; I think I saw it there once before. There are old cameras, video cameras, turntables. I recalled when last I had ventured out on the Dildo Hunt that there had been several in the window, yet on this occasion there were none to be found.

“Are you sure they have dildos in here?”

“You have to find them.” She kept looking. I spotted the first dildo before she did. A large black one that I believe I had classed the executive when I had gone dildo hunting before. It was a heavy piece and she marveled at it a bit.

“It’s kinda big, don’t you think?”

“A Korean sense of either hope or delusion, not sure which way you’d want to go with it.”

We kept hunting about. She managed to find her first dildo, a wolf-like creature at the base with a protruding member that would make Ron Jeremy feel inadequate. Sadly it was also crusted in something that was either dirt or rust.

“This won’t do.” She says to me.

“Keep hunting. “

We squeeze back into parts of the shop, behind shelves and poke around. We find another, this one made of granite, porous and scratchy.

“It has some potential.” I venture.

She is starting to lose hope. She’d been poking around the front area of the store for a bit and I figured maybe the dildos really were low in stock. I offered to ask the ahjussi who owned the shop to see if he had more. I still had the executive in hand, just in case, so I would be able to explain that what I was looking for were a larger selection of marble phalluses.

“I’m going to tell him we are buying this for your mother,” I say to her.

She giggles.

And I do. I ask the ahjussi for more and he points me in the direction where the One had been standing earlier. I look around seeing nothing. He pushes carefully past me, and pass the piled antiques, and like a magician, pulls a large dildo from right in front of me. It was hidden carefully behind some petrified coral fans, and a large Buddha.

“Huzzah!” I marvel and the peaches-and-cream stone beauty. And then I spot another executive. And another. And four dozen more.

“Girly, you are really not good at finding dildos; there is like a motherlode of penis over here.”

She returns to the area she had scouted before and begins to see the dildos practically jumping out of the walls at her and giggles more.

We pick up several dozen until finally she settles on the pièce de résistance that she had been looking for. I haggle a bit with the shopkeeper to get a fair enough price for her. He wraps us up and sends us on our merry way.

“It’s so nice. I think I might just keep it on a bookshelf or something, see if anyone notices.”

“I used to display mine on the shelf you would see when immediately entering my apartment. Right next to the good-luck kitty from Japan.”

She laughs and we stalk down the street like mighty Amazons who have ventured into the fierce dildo jungle and emerged unscathed and armed for future battles.

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