Thursday, April 14, 2011

Good for what?

Two months. I’ve been in America for almost two months and it feels like a lifetime, a year, an age. I miss everything about being elsewhere. Does this mean I'm not meant for a safe and quiet American life? Should I work on taking off at every opportunity; should I just let it all go and go and be the thing out there that drives me?

It’s the one thing I’m good at doing and doing it seems to mean giving up ever having something simple like a home. I know I don’t do settling down well, so there is that as a problem/conundrum/whatever. I love what I do, and sometimes it makes me frantic. I hate questioning or second guessing myself, but it seems like I have spent half my time in this last two months doing just that.

Do I have to give it all up to be who I am?

I want it all. I want to have what I have and not let anything go, but I don’t know how to do what I do without giving up everything that I want to have.

It’s a screaming match inside my brain. The migraine headache that has been working on me for days surely doesn't help. The ache in my whole temple, and the pulsing behind my eye, let me know that this will go on for close to a month before it stops. They say stress less, but my jaw is so tense it feels like it is on a constant wire. I move from depression to excitement and frivolity and then back, crashing back, down into depression and a feeling of unutterable doom. I cannot find a happy place to relax in, and this constant worrying about the future (and who I am, and who I can be) is certainly not helping.

Maybe I need a vacation.

Maybe I just need to give in to all my random flights of fancy and try something else. It is hard to say, and completely impossible to judge for sure.

There is a sleeping dog in my lap and I envy his quiet, happy introspection. He is a craver of his humans and a warm lap. He does mind idle chatter, and is not concerned by all the worries that plague me. He snores happily and says to join him. Just let it all go and sleep curled up on someone you love. I should give him more credit. Perhaps he has all the answers in his curly little sleep time.

I could take his lead. This is the one thing he is good at doing and he doesn’t let anyone, including an unwilling lap, keep him from fulfilling his goal. There is an answer, even if it is not the one I'm looking for.

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