Monday, February 11, 2013

The Past, the Present, the Future

I felt haunted by ghosts of a dozen past, present, and future lives, all at the same moment. There were all the ghosts of lives before...so many lives....some of them so long and dead and buried that to bring them up was to resurrect a past I didn't want to experience. They haunted me but they were mostly faded.

Then there were the ghosts of the present. The niggling little doubts of the last two or three years, the things that happened here and there that lacked closure. The life I have had and who I have been in the most recent time. Wondering what that meant and where it would lead, and I realized that closure didn't exist the way I wanted it to, and never will. Those ghost haunted me, but here was little to control.

Then there was the future. There were so many futures that I felt practically spread thin contemplating all of them. There were futures in Korea and futures that were not. There were other countries, there were single countries. New faces, old faces, new beds, old beds, new friends, new enemies, making new ghosts, creating new realities, and all of it was a foggy web of possibility. I pulled one thread and they all came closer. I let one thread go, and it tripped another wire.

Tonight I had dinner with my love and we discussed the potentialities.

"In the end it is all going to come down to you."

He said this to me and looked at me and I knew he was right. In the end I was the driving factor. I will make the decision and see what path I end up on. I was not sure which thread I would pull or how it would unwind. Where would it lead me?

Backward?

Forward?

Sideways?

Some days I woke up and wondered if I didn't need a ghost of a parallel dimension to haunt me and get me off my ass moving in an entirely wrong direction. I thought I could live with that as well. Wrong directions brought their's own challenges.

I was in the middle of all of it, the past, the present and the future and I simply didn't know where any of it would lead.

Best not to think about it.

I poured another glass of wine.

No comments: