Saturday, September 07, 2013

Readjust

There is a need to readjust my way of thinking.

Yesterday I had three suitcases. I opened them up and put everything away. Everything in its place. I closed each suitcase and put each away.

And now, I think to myself, I am home.

This is home; this is where I should be, and yet I can't help thinking that it is strange to be here without a time limit. I've been living life on intermittent pieces of time for so long I don't know how to settle and be in one place without knowing when I am going to another place.

Korea was home. There will always be a part of me that wants to be there. For all the frustration and tears and heartbreak, it was home.

I remember when I first went there.

A look back, on my third day in Korea, I wrote this:

"I suppose it is day three. For those of you who don't know the shower in the middle of the bathroom is a rather strange thing. There is no tub, or indentation where the shower proper would be. Instead imagine that the toilet was in the middle of the tub, and the sink was off to the side. There is no curtain or separation. It's a moveable shower head, and surprisingly enough, even though I worried about this the first time, it is so excellently well designed that even though the toilet seat gets wet the toilet paper is set perfectly aside so as not to get wet. It's very odd, very unusual...
.... There is a McDonald's down the street, and a Dunkin Doughnuts about a block from my apartment. Aside from all the signs being in Korean it's surprisingly like Chicago..."
Maybe this is why Korea was always so easy and comfortable. It reminded me of here. Now, somehow, I must get my head around thinking of how here reminds me of Korea. At least for a little while, at least until I reset myself and remember that I have always been a part of here. That this city has always been a part of me. That my love is here, and that regardless of how many loves I have around the world, I have missed this one the most.

That I need to be domesticated again, after three years of being what feels like on the run. On the run from stability, from my home, from my heart. Here is where I need to be, even if it doesn't feel like it. In the morning I kiss my boy awake and see him off to school. On Monday I shall become a commuter once more, heading to and fro from work. I shall find ways to be good at this, as I often find that I am good at almost anything I put my mind to.

Korea is not going anywhere, and for the foreseeable future, neither am I. I need to be where I am right now, even if my head, my heart, and my wanderlust want me to be elsewhere. There will be more wanderingthat will not stop. Maybe even soon there will be more wandering, but perhaps with less loneliness, less sorrow, and less feeling of disconnect and lack of belonging.

The weather is beautiful today. The sky is clear. My mind is full of dreaming and thoughts. Perhaps I will ride my bike to the lake and just sit for a while in the sun on the beach. Dreaming of home and being home all at once. There is a small shop on the beach that carries boutique goods. It reminds me of a shop I frequented in Daegu. It's a lot like Daegu here.

And I need to readjust.

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