Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Your Vortex Is Not Welcome Here!

“So the girls are this way; we are going to head up the stairs.”

We all followed along, the gentlemen shuffling and me being rather amused as we walked through the venue. A few girls were on stage doing a warm-up for the later show, decked out in sweatpants and hoodies while they worked. We wove around and up into the rather maze-like dark, expansive tunnel that is the House of Blues. It does twist and turn back there. Eventually we came out to the third floor, where we were shuffled into a room where three of the girls sat on a little couch, talking and relaxing and giggling.

“Hi guys,” the greeted us cheerfully as we walked in.

On the couch at that point were Razzy (whose name stuck with me), the pretty announcer Star (a buxom red head), and a petite brunette from Australia.

The boys spread out around the room and kind of stood there with their hands in their pockets. I ended up in a seat by myself toward the back, where I crossed my legs and smiled.

“So, what are you names?” Razzy ventured, which required us all say who we were. I noticed the gentlemen seemed rather quiet and were making very little eye contact with everyone. I asked, “How has the tour been so far?” and start chatting up the girls.

Razzy revealed that she was desperately sick, but holding it together. The other girls talked about the lovely dinner they had.

“We are just waiting for the other girls to join us.”

As Razzy talked about her cold, one of the gents suddenly piped up, apparently having seen the last burlesque show by the girls some six years ago.

“Yeah, they had the dinner in this strip club so we could have our entertainment over dinner before we had our entertainment on stage. It was a great time. And the afterparty was in the strip club, too. That was a great strip club-“ he trailed off as he finished his story, looked at me and then suddenly looked at the floor.

The guys, who had been chatty three seconds ago about strip clubs, were suddenly dead quiet again.

Someone asked “Who booked the tour for Vermont?” which turned out to be a much more interesting question than one would presuppose. The girls were touring the US, and among other places they had a show in Vermont and one in St. Louis. “The show in St. Louis is going to be really interesting,” said Razzy, “I mean at least full nudity is okay there, but man, in Vermont? They invented an entirely new body part that we are not allowed to display.”

“They invented a body part?” I asked.

“Yes, the vortex. I’m a vortex offender,” Razzy said. “I love showing off my vortex!” We snorted and laughed.

“Hold on,” Star pulls up her phone and started going through pictures. “We are showing our vortex all the time; I’ve got a picture.”

“You see, in Vermont it is totally okay to walk out of your house naked and they can’t do anything to you. But it’s illegal to disrobe in public,” explained the Australian.

“How the hell does that work?”

“HERE IS THE VORTEX!” shouted Star as she jumps up with her phone, holding the sought-after naked picture she was looking for. The men all closed in to look, but I was pretty sure I knew what the vortex was from the description, so I didn’t crowd in.

As Razzy described the vortex: it’s that place where when you bend over you create a sort of dark space that is not quite your ass but also not your pussy but sort of the space in between. It’s dark and mysterious and apparently is the vortex.

There were probably a few other words for it, some of which I knew, but I thought the concept of calling this the vortex was just damned amusing.

“They actually sent an undercover cop to our Vermont show. Sideboob is illegal there, so we had to be extra careful with the costumes too. Afterward she actually came up to us and said, ‘This was a lot tamer than we were worried about.’” One could only imagine what a state with such draconian laws that it had forbidden the public display of the vortex thought was going to happen at the Suicide Girls Burlesque Show.

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