Saturday, May 20, 2017

Passing the Time

It's easy to watch the time go by. Not noticing until it has all but slipped from the hand into the wild and beyond, beyond that, beyond and forever. It's not that there are no words, simply the words I write keep staying hidden between walls. Employer walls, personal walls, my walls.

Several posts of self doubt and pity have been composed.

My fear of everything is acting up again. Fear of accomplishment, fear of failure, fear of love. The first is the easiest to address, the last the hardest.

Loving and losing. A cycle.

I'm repeating that cycle again, my brain screams to me.

Shut up brain, I scream back.

My heart ignores the drama and just goes on loving all the things it wants to love.

The past takes shape like in the corner. A dark shadow creature with a blank face. It stands, clocked in darkness, curly hair, a woman's shrill voice. Mocking, belittling, demanding. It wants me to know that I am inadequate, will always be inadequate, will always be stupid, will always be too used up for anyone to really be interested in me. It tells me I will always be broken.

And I smile, and I walk on, and I ignore it.

Shadows have been chasing me for weeks as I try desperately to do what I do, be good at who I am, be good to those I need to be good to, be good to myself most of all. All of this while constantly battling my internal demon, the one that never lets go.

In the meantime the days keep flying on. I keep flying on. Time keeps flying on. The upcoming weekend will be full of adventure, fun, old lovers, perhaps new lovers. Smiles and memories that will be sweet in the moment, sweet after. Bittersweet as time wears on.

In the meantime, the stories continue.

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