Sunday, June 25, 2017

Pride Weekend

Chicago Pride weekend is a bit of a wasteland. There are still a lot of people in the community that get a lot out of Pride, and it does serve a purpose of reminding everyone, once a year, that the whole LGBTQAI community exists.

Alphabet soup.

"But what about you, this weekend, you must be very excited about it all?"

I look at my date with a blank stare, completely dumbfounded and with no earthly idea what he is talking about.

"You know, Pride."

"Oh, gods no."

I may have said it a bit too emphatically. The problem with Chicago pride is that it has become a bit too much of a straight frat party, a sort of third St. Patrick's day, with an excuse to wear rainbow colors, run around drinking in the streets, asking people to show you their tits, and swinging around rainbow beads.

Frankly, it sickens me.

I don't celebrate pride. As a woman who has been out of the closet this perhaps comes as a bit of a shock, but I have know interest in the once a year "it's okay to be gay" day. I don't need that in my life. For my, everyday is a celebration of who I am, my sexuality, the sexuality of my friends and lovers, the freedom to be, and love, how we want to be and love. For me that doesn't happen just once a year.

Having someone stare coldly at me when I take the hand of a girl on a bus or kiss her in her seat. I get judged for that every day.

Having someone scoff and call me a slut when I take a different man home every night of the week. I get judged for that every day.

Having someone call me a dyke when I refuse to take them home just because they presented themselves to me. I get judged for that everyday.

Having someone get drunk, but her arm on my arm, and beg me to take her home and be her first but she's not really sure she is gay, but maybe, just this one time. And the coldness in her eyes when I tell her no, because I have a rule about sleeping with straight girls. The judgement. Oh yes, it's there. I get judged for that every day.

No, for me pride isn't a day. It isn't some jubilant celebration that I can live for one day. The reality is that, even though I am fairly out social, I still walk lines in my profession and work carefully to hide all the details of myself to avoid any potential repercussions. I still have to walk softly around relationships as a bisexual woman, constantly being judged for not picking a side from the self same people that are supposed to be the allies, the group I belong to. No, I have no pride in that either.

That is not to say I'm not proud to see what our community has done, but there is still so much to do. And I have to live every day be willing to face up to the potential judgement. I hold my head high, I look into the face of those who would judge and I live my life as best I am able to do. And in that, with that, as I do that, there is where I find my pride.

I open my eyes full of it, in the sun and snow and rain.

Around the year.

Every day.

No comments: