Saturday, December 23, 2017

Higgs Boson Blues

The space is small and I putter around it while he finishes writing out cards to his friends and families to mail for the holidays. I could have stayed in the hotel, reading, drinking wine, waiting for the evening but I wanted to do something, and more, I didn't want to be alone.

He plays music on his phone, some of it I know, some of it I don't know.

Nick Cave, I always know. Things I remember, the first time I played Nick Cave for him when I realized he didn't know. We sat on my couch and I found a song that I thought might be most interesting to a young man who had a passion for both thrash metal and Lady Gaga: No Pussy Blues.

He came upon Red Right Hand on his own. One afternoon, as we were laying in bed, holding each other, loving each other, he pushed me back into the bed and told me not to move. The guitar riff was impossible for me not to recognize, and I laid back and allowed myself to be immersed in him, and the Higgs Boson Blues.

In his small cramped basment apartment I heard that riff come out of the tiny speakers on his phone, but it mattered not as the song filled the room, as only some songs can manage to fill an entire room.

By his bed, tidying up, trying to make myself useful in his life, for a moment, for a minute, not wanting to be alone, not wanting to be away from him for longer than I have to. There are so few minutes and I want them all to mean as much as they can.

It was then that I felt his arms warp around me, he stood behind me, trapping me, for a moment I tried to pull away, and then he started to sing along and hold me, hold me tighter, hold me to tight to pull away from him, hold me in place, this place, our place, our moment.

I've been sitting in my basement patio
It was hot
Up above the girls walk past
Their roses all in bloom
Have you ever heard about the Higgs Boson Blues?
I'm going down to Geneva baby
Gonna teach it to you
Who cares, who cares what the future brings?

Shaking, trembling, I stood there in his arms and for that moment, didn't care what the future could possibly bring.

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