Friday, December 29, 2017

The Pick Up Lines

There is a disconnect when trying to meet people in a time when meeting people means meetings strangers because there are no real communities anymore, all those old institutions for interacting with new strangers who can become new friends are slowly foundering. Meeting and creating meaningful social interaction is frowned upon in bars, in bookstores, in theaters, at work, even at those old places of worship. The world has become a thousand tiny cliques and the only way to break through the fortress walls and motes that everyone has built to protect them from everyone else is through apps and websites and shots fired via electrons in the ether.

In this, there should be some grand amusement, "I have built an impenetrable wall that protects me from all these strangers who may want to do me harm and I shall- Ooo, someone swiped right, let's be new best friends!"

It is actually about that bad. In this, though, there have been some interaction that are better than others. As I have explored the ravished wastelands of one of the few ways to meet new humans I found myself in the pickup line trap. I had not realized there was such a thing, in my naivety as a forty-one year old I actually thought a person had come to cleverness. Alas, this was no clever choose your own adventure, it was merely lines and lines and lines, harvested and used with the hopes that those lines would land. 

The first time this happened I was surprised it was a ruse, but amused enough to see if the person using such a ruse would be interesting. 

They were not. 

The second time the ruse was so complex I thought for sure that anyone who could hold all the parts of that in their head would be entertaining. Rather, they ended up being so creepy that I had to physically reject (I was safe because I am strong, but I feel badly for another woman who might have ended up with that exceptional creep). 

I've come to hate the lines, and there are so many lines. There are the simple vulgarities like:

"Do you have a comfortable place to sit?"

Imagine, mind you after delivering a line, there is always the wait for the response from the party that the pickup artists hopes to pursue. Your response doesn't matter because it will always come back to...

"My face is pretty comfortable."

Some of the random lines I've had this month include: 

"Do you like crunchy or creamy peanut butter?" The answer, regardless of what you say, will be something about how they would like to spread your legs. Yeah, ewww. 

"Do you like pancakes?" The answer, regardless of what you say, will eventually get worked around to, "How about IHOP? Because I'd like to hop on the ass." Also, yes, very ewww.

"What would you rather have: 
A. A nice date?
B. Meaningful intelligent conversations?
C. Multiple orgasms?"  

The setup is sure to have you asking if there is an option D, which means you have walked into "Oh, so you want the D?"

Yeah, it is really that awful. 

From Wednesday: "Are you my appendix? Because I don't know how you work but I have a funny feeling in my stomach and I want to take you out."

This gem is from yesterday morning: "So I just go ta new set of silverware, but I'm missing the little spoon. Can you help me out?"

There are a billion of them, they are constantly there, ever present and before long it's easy to be drowning in a thousand bad lines. At least in the old times you could see the look of revulsion or the smile of a "well-played" in person, but how or why these have transferred, often poorly, into the digital medium is beyond me. 

And yet, the lines keep coming. The lines work better than the walls of the fortress in a way, as they manage to be thin and predictable and eye-rollingly painful, but they manage to keep me away most of the time. The thing I've learned most from the users of pick-up lines is that there is nothing creative on the other end of such a line, the line is a map drawn to a hole and the hole is a chasm of narcissism, psychopathy and disrespect. There are no good people behind the good lines. 

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