Friday, June 29, 2018

Heat Mirages

It’s oppressively hot tonight. From a long hot day. A heat wave rolling in over the city, rolling in over the country, rolling in over what feels like all of the world and all of history. All day the Earth is baked, sky a yellow green with the smell of leaves being baked on the air itself. 

There is a sense of anticipation, this much heat. Like the penultimate something. Like waiting.

Tomorrow there will be rallies, rallies in the heat, rallies across the country, protesters, protesting the monstrosity that has become the country we live in, the horror of the current genocide taking place in a land that swears it will be the gold standard of civilization.

We have always been barbarians.
We have come again to be barbarians.

The heat will beat down on the brows and shoulders of all those willing to stand up, to go against, who are ready to fight, potentially be arrested, punished, pummeled and pushed back. There is a danger to it, and a joy, to know that so many of us are still human inside somewhere: willing to be our humanity.

The heat is both a joy, an attraction, an barrier. I do what I can from where I can do it, feeling like a failure for not baking with the masses, but, in a time of resistance it’s also important to have those who can continue to resist if all else fails. There are special dangers for some, we all have rolls to play.
In the wilting, punishing, oppressiveness that is the current heat wave I prepare for a roll I hope I won’t have to play. Desperate for hope, any form of hope, to get us through this. To get through until the storm breaks and cleans us, heals us.

Unless the storm breaking is merely another disaster.

Tonight, we cannot know. Tomorrow we will watch it unfold through the shimmering mirage ripples on the hot air and wonder if what we are seeing is real or simple a hope, a dream, a wish for the reality we want to have.
Tomorrow, the heat will beat on, uncaring about those who bask, who struggle, who walk, who breathe, who live, who die. The sun, the moon, the stars, in their wisdom they ignore all these minor things. We think we are the intelligent life in the universe, but maybe we are less than the great rocks and gasses spinning in universe, infinite wisdom.

In the meantime, we are ants under the magnifying glass, burning and wondering how and when it will end.

The Underground, The Overground

I'm dreaming. This is what dreaming is right now, that even in your sleeping you are trying to figure out the things happening during the waking. I want to abstain from the news, I want to hide, I want to pretend that this doesn't really matter, I want to pretend that everything is fine, fine, fine, and

Bodies moving around in the dark, in the attic.


"They are here."

"Quiet, we know. Be still."

We lay plastered against the mattress listening to the banging throughout the house, hiding together. Fair weather friends, finding ourselves now being companions for months, hidden in the top of the house, hoping the hastily installed walls look solid. Dark compartment to prevent any light from getting out. We hold our breath, hushed as we hear boots on the stairs.

Will they be able to protect us this time.

Tossing and turning and wondering if this will be the fate of us who it seems the citizens are becoming more and more comfortable daily with the notion of eliminating.

Give us your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Give us your trans people, give us your colored people of all races but Caucasian, give us your queers, and your gays and your lesbians and your alternative folk, and your tattooed, and your dyed and your varying other human explorations of the concept of being alive. Give them to us and watch us burn them up, tied to the stake, this evenings entertainment. Give them to us, so we can be free of you, so we can create a better world, a smaller world, a world without colors and distractions and variety. A pretty cookie cutter world, of cookie cutter people, marching in lockstep and believing, thinking, doing the same thing. Give them to us. Feed us. Feed the machine.

Tossing and turning and wondering if this is where we are heading, if this is what will come to pass.

We are huddled together behind the secret wall, having hastily made a mess to cover a half eaten dinner delivered to us. Worried that the smell of food, when food is so hard to come buy and so unequally rationed, all of us sharing what little we have, so we can be hidden here and safe, in our modern underground railroad and wondering if we are safe enough.

"What if they have heat sensors-" hand over mouth quiets the talking as we listen to people on the other side of the wall. We stop breathing they and I. We are suffocating in our little room, unable to know if there will even be time to draw a last breath if we are discovered.

The world is claustrophobic and it is invading my dreams; in all of my dreams I'm hiding and hoping and hiding and hoping and I still don't know what I think the outcome might be.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Historical Moments

In the car all day wanting to do anything but think about the news. Last night was bad. I sit and read from my hotel room about the chinks being taken out of democracy and the quick slide towards so much more than dreaded McCarthyism, into full blown, outright fascism.

Last night, I sat on a hotel couch and I watched the news, after having spent the better part of an afternoon in a city which celebrates and lauds it's participation in American democracy from the revolution through through all our wars (good and ill). I sit and I watch a video of children crying in a detention center were staff have been given explicit instruction not to comfort. There is a level of horror that you cannot fathom here. Most normal people cannot understand what it means to watch children suffer, and as adults, withhold comfort. I watch and I start to cry again, and I start to feel completely isolated again, and I start to want to find a quick way out again, and I know that this is not about me, it's a political moment, but...

On the road at 7 a.m., little sleep, dreams are nightmares of being kept in corners with no freedom, told not to move, wish that the parents I despised were there to save me from the adult caregivers I was given into. I read the comments and responses. I should not have read the comments and responses. "It's basically summer camp." "If their parents loved them." "Most of these kids are probably super happy to be away from their parents and off the road."

I loathe with almost every fiber of being the parents of my childhood. They were both horrible people. They were both irredeemable to 2-7 year old me. And yet, when other adults tortured me I craved their torture because it was the torture I knew. This is a thing it's impossible for me to explain to you, through my degrees, through my learning, through my developing expertise in this field, at the visceral level this is not just something I am educated in, this is something I am experienced in. No matter how much children go through, at the end of the day, the parent is still the best of all possible worlds even when they are the height of evil.

It's hard to quantify unless you have lived through it. Even when your parent, your ultimate caregiver is the height of evil, they are still your parent.

The current political moment, this is not the case. The parents are doing the best they can, they sacrifice, they have done things no one who was raised in first world country will ever understand. The impetus to do such a thing to their family is overwhelming. We cannot ever know. Even me, with my experiences, I cannot know. I watch their suffering and I cry. I weep for the united states. United in nothing at the moment except a blanket march towards the worst of humanity, towards evils we once fought against.

This isn't about me, but I feel it too much. I cry and cry.

It's 7:00 a.m. on June 27th and my driver is shouting.

"I might just be a white guy with white guy privilege but it makes me so mad."

"I'm there with you."

"I just, it's awful. What everyone goes through, people with a tan, people without a tan," he works so hard at trying to not see black and white. I appreciate the fuck out of him for that.

"I can't fathom what it's like. I mean, it's hard to know, you know."

"I know."

"I know you know."

"No, I mean, I know. I know exactly what's it like. You can't imagine what it's like to go into deep red country and have your heart race, looking at every person and know that they are looking at you, feeling like your skin is just not the right shade, your hair a little too dark, your eyebrows too thick, your lips to big, your nose too big...and everyone is staring at you as you walk just waiting for someone to say something, knowing if someone does say something that it's on you. Wondering how submissive you will need to be to keep from getting punched in the face or worse, stabbed, shot, you don't know. Knowing that if you don't have your phone out, that if you aren't recording it all, that you are going to be at fault. That you were the one that stepped out. That you were the one that was wrong for being here. Being told to go back to a country you belong to when all you have ever been is American, when you have always been here, raised here, grown here, alive here, where everything about you makes you a citizen, expect your not just quite right skin means you need to go back from where you are from because..."

We sit in silence for thirty minutes. I realize I have been ranting. I want to cry. I can't cry.

On this day I see signed posted in office 'I am an unafraid ally! I work with and support undocumented students and families.'

I weep that this is the time we have come to live in.

The drive back is quieter, we talk more about our day, work, things, we leave politics alone. I make the mistake of checking the news and my world collapses. Justices retiring, after a day of decisions that are the epitome of backwards progress. I feel a lump in my throat as we say goodbye.

"It was off to a rocky start, but it was a good day."

"We did good. I'll see you tomorrow."

And in my room I cry for all the horror and I don't know anymore how to begin to feel anything other than that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

The Impact of Forgetting History

The news is becoming oppressively hard. All I want to do is tune out and not look up anything with a news story. I want to cry at every headline, I feel like I'm swimming in it. 

I took a walk today in a historical city, I can write more about that later. I stopped in front of a World War monument, erected to remember the falling. On the stones were inscribed words. 

Words we have forgotten. 

Words that still have meaning. 

Words that are so important. 

Words that we should be thinking and feeling daily. 

I'm exhausted by the news. I'm exhausted by living history. 

My exhaustion doesn't make this go away. If anything, it makes the fight all that much more important. 

"Let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations." - Lincoln (1865)

"We shall fight for the things which we have always carried nearest our hearts — for democracy, for the right of those who submit to authority to have a voice in their own governments, for the rights and liberties of small nations, for a universal dominion of right by such a concert of free peoples as shall bring peace and safety to all nations and make the world itself at last free." Woodrow Wilson (1917)

X. Courage

  So nigh is grandeur to our dust,
So near is God to man,
When Duty whispers low, Thou must,
The youth replies, I can.

  PERIL around, all else appalling,
Cannon in front and leaden rain,
Him duty, through the clarion calling
To the van, called not in vain. 

-Emerson (1904)

Monday, June 25, 2018

Problems with Traveling

The problem with traveling is that it changes you.

The problem with traveling is that it changes you and makes you different.

The problem with traveling, if you really travel, if you travel like I do, if you travel in the way that I have learned to travel is that it makes you different a person and gives you a different reality of travel and of the world. Something that is less in the romantic and more the vagabond with no place to lay your head with nothing that really makes you.a person that is in this place in this time in this now.

Your life is hotel beds in random cities, people you don’t understand because the micro-culture is so micro and the macro culture doesn’t actually prepare you for anything, really.

You are a strange, and the strange, but everywhere you go is strange and strange and strange an unknown and you lose yourself in this place and you become who you are in that moment and it is a moment of experience and knowing and understanding and…

When you have this experience your world is both larger and smaller and harder to understand and fully resolve.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I travel."

"Wow, that must be so exciting."

And it is.

And it is not.

And it is a thing that can define you in a way that is hard to full define and is making me who I am or who I have always been.

The thing about traveling the way I do is that exposes who you really are better than any single experience ever can.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Kisses on the Bus

It’s Pride week in Chicago and This evokes a certain number of memories. Right now, the memories of are a pride weekend 8 years ago when I was working in New York.

I was exhausted from working in New York, and even though I was invited to go, I ended up sleeping in a big bed while others went to party.

I was in punch drunk in love with a girl I met in New York City and she had invited me to the pride I slept through. She smiled as she told me to sleep and that she would be back later, and she would be back later, and we would make love later and I would leave her later, because this is how my life often works.

Back in Chicago, working, trying to figure out life again, because half of my waking life is trying desperately to figure out life. She wanted to come to Chicago, and I thought why not, and so we managed to make it work. I got a hotel, she got a plane, we met in the city.

It was a few weekends after Pride, a few weekends after the world goes crazy for the gays. We walked around town together arm in arm, in love, in lust, in life, in a willingness to experience in a way that most people don’t understand experience.

At one point, we were headed to our room in the gilded elevator of an ancient lobby, hands held, kissing as we waited, and as the doors shut a hand intervened. We moved back, thinking it was someone else that needed to go upstairs, but it was just a bellhop he felt the need to stop us.

“You two are just so beautiful,” he said.

“We know.” She always had so much more confidence than I did. I had confidence in her and in my love for her. We decided to go shopping, because that seemed like the thing to do on the visit.

We got up early, got dressed for the last of the warm Chicago weather and headed towards boys town.

“Let’s take the bus,” I suggested.

“That sounds good,” she said. 

We caught the bus in the South Loop and wandered slowly up north, enjoy the lake, enjoying each other. She managed to find seats together so we took them. Holding hands. Looking into each other's eyes.

We did the only thing that makes sense on a warm day in August, things that make sense to lovers who are together and who are traveling arm in arm, and who are affectionate and who knows that this time together maybe the only time, may be the last time, may be the forever time.

I kissed her, warm sweet lips, she tastes like sun and rainbows, I loose myself in the movement of her tongue and her in-drawn breath. We don't break until we both need to breath and then we smile at each other that giddy smile of lovers. That giddy happiness of two people together that are completely in love. 
And then we heard the commentary from the people on the bus.



“No it’s gross.”


“It’s not natural.”

I look at her and she looks at me and we are both having the same moment in our different way, in a city that just celebrated Pride in a country that like stop talking about how gay it is one for one month out of the year, we sat there, two women in love, confident, strong I each other, in ourselves, and we listened as the strangers on the bus judged us for who we were.

And as much as I didn't’ want it to, it hurt me. It may have hurt us. To be so together but so outside of being acceptable, to being the kind of couple that the world.can understand.

This, is, of course, the dark underbelly of taking on something that was supposed to represent the counterculture and making it mainstream.

We didn't get anymore mainstream. If anything, at that moment we were the living embodiment of the outside, and we were being judged for our love and for our happiness and for our giddiness in each other. For what we wanted from each other and from how and where we wanted to express that love.

It wasn’t better. If anything, it is even worse, to be at the end of an experience after a month of everyone pretending that it’s A okay to be Gay.

It’s not.

I’m on a train tonight surrounded by all the pretty people attending pride. Young, and often straight, mostly allies, but only allies for 30 days. The rest of the time, we are alone with our love, living our experiences around the judgement of our allies.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Cores do Brasil

Fortunately, It's just a Game

The morning I managed to crawl out of bed, and get into a shower in time to get downstairs and get some free breakfast before the restaurant had fully closed. In the room, being that it was already past 9 a.m. local, the World Cup game between Brazil and Costa Rica was playing and everyone in the hotel seemed to be packed in together.

All the cooks and servers from the kitchen stood in front of the door, watching the t.v. Everyone position in the restaurant in a way that allowed them to view the action. I took the only table no one wanted in the back without a good view of anything and grabbed coffee, water and queso blanco for breakfast.

Quietly minding my business reading the news, suddenly a half roar goes up, I look up and lean to see what is going on, but it's only a half-hearted whoop. The ball doesn't land in the goal, and the game goes on. The kitchen staff runs a quick change of food and gets back to the station as quickly as they can.

I'm amused and decide to get some work done before I am fully distracted so caffeinated and hydrated I return to my room. Answering emails, doing little bits of work that need to be done, fully focused on the screen and the pre-flight preparations. Lost in my own little world, when suddenly the world around me explodes.

The entire hotel is screaming, the floors are vibrating with it. The cars and trucks are leaning on their horns, a constant cacophony of clarions rising up in chaotic levels of sound. In my chair, I'm actually shook for a moment, feeling the fight or flight response of it, anticipating danger. It takes me a minute to get back under control.

Then the guns start going off. Little pops all over the place giving me chills.

Then fireworks.

Then actual canons.

If I didn't know about the game, I might think we had gone to war or entered into the actual end times.

The city is in a frenzy of joy as Brazil scores once. And then, shortly, again, the raucous roar of victory. The country is on fire with it. And I smile, since I know it is a game and there is great passion. And I think about being in Korea at night as the country turned red with delight. Brazil lights up with green and noise and party and festival. Work is canceled the country celebrates, and I am delighted with the celebration.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Realities over Dinner

"But you never told me, I don't really know anything about some parts of you."

And that is probably the truest thing anyone has every said to me, and the most honest.

"I tried."

"But did you really? You only think you try."

"It's hard for me."

"You have secrets, and it is probably those things I don't know about that make you the way you are."

"But I told you."

"You didn't. You just disappear."

This is also true.

There is a weird dissonance to this conversation. In my reality, I have told it all, there are thousands of pages of words in this very journal that I keep that hold all those raw stories and all those secrets.

Yet, some of the people I love, I never send those words. For some I want to embody the perfect that attracted them to me in the first place.

There has always been confusion for me about the attraction. What brings people into my life and makes them look at me, and experience me, and learn from me, and talk to me, and see me and still want, for some reason I cannot fathom, to love me and touch me and talk to me and be with me and -

When you feel broken all the time, this is the hardest thing to manage because there is no way to really manage it. There is just the brokenness. And the brokenness is something I work hardest to cover up. I tried, especially when I was younger, to make sure the brokenness never touch anyone I loved. I wanted to embody that perfect thing.

The dark stays buried, it's not for casual worship.

The dark belongs only to me.

And then...

The longer the connection the harder it is to hide, the more obvious it is.

"It's been, what was it, it's been 8 years since we met, don't you understand?"

"I know, I remember it well."

"And I still don't really know you, do I?"


"No more excuses."

No more perfection, no more the portrait I want to pant, to ease your comfort, to keep you focused on all the good things about me and not all the bad things. The stark reality is not something I want to share.

"You know so much about me."

"I do."

"And you won't even-"

"If you'll stop talking, just-"


"No. Just, listen."

And then I tell my stories, ripping of a band-aid, as quickly as possible, and I watch as I disintegrate in front of you. Becoming someone different but still the same.

I sit naked and exposed before you telling truths that I wished belonged to someone else and for the world I can't tell if this will make me less in your eyes or more.

"And now, we can really talk."

And now maybe we really do. What does it really mean to be seen? How much has to be known for me to be imperfect but still okay?

I don't know.

Casual Dining Leads to Dangerous Expense

Thursday, having most of a day free, I decided the best thing for life would be stable internet and getting work done so I'm not behind on work when I get back from another work related trip. Considering that traveling feels like 24 hour working, I'm always a bit amused by how things pile up when I'm not just sitting in front of my computer doing stuff. Internet makes the doing of stuff much easier, so I found a space and worked away.

Around lunchtime, I figured it was time to take a break and possibly to enjoy some of the country I was traveling through, so I started walking, taking pictures and looking for food. I wanted something very local and not fussy, which had me moving in and out of various back alleys looking for the right thing. I like eating street food, but I wasn't fairing very well on places that looked like they wouldn't kill me. After about 10 minutes of stumbling around, I finally called up a map, found the spot where the places to eat were hidden (by a mall, of course) and walked into a nice little street side sushi place. For 10 dollars, I managed to have plenty to eat and amused the locals who wanted to practice English with me.

"I English study. You need. You ask me. Okay?"

"I teach English. I will ask for you."

We smile. I use translator, deciding to spare myself the stress and anxiety of fumbling through the language, though I try only to use it sparingly, preferring the experience of fumbling through the language to remind me what it is those who are learning from the content I develop experience.

A nice, sunny warm walk awaited me back to the co-working space, and since I was no longer searching for food I could take a less circular walk back. Starting down the main street in an area that seemed to be made up mostly of auto repair shops, something waving in the light breeze caught my eye.

As I got closer, I confirmed that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing: free floating fabric.

Internally, I tell myself to just walk by, but there is no chance in hell that I'm going to pass up an opportunity to look at fabric. And, what beautiful fabrics. Entranced by the most perfect georgette that was exactly what I was looking for, I started to feel around and look through the bolts. The Brazilian shopkeeper, who reminded me much of my many shop keeping hajumas, was on me in a second and started to put things in my hand, speaking fast Portuguese. Establishing that I did not speak Portuguese, I fired up the translator and began to learn and practice new phrases, "Quanto custa um quintal?"

And from there, I was doomed. I tried, really, really hard not to buy anything as I have a small 20 inch suitcase that already was full of clothes for the 5 day trip, but try as I might, after studying the bolts I was poured over for longer than a second, the hajuma didn't miss a beat to put just the right pieces in front of me. She even cut the fabric where I stood, Korean style, none of this hauling bolts of fabric all over the place, just get the amount I want and move on.

Her selection was exquisite, and almost all of the fabrics she had were fabrics that I adore She could even tell that I was clearly searching for something very specific, and she was right. I pulled out the translator again and managed to describe basically what I was searching for: a floral print on black in a light weight fabric for a summer weight kimono. I've been wanting this exact thing for awhile, but haven't been able to find the right fabrics for it. Sure enough, in seconds she pulled me into a section I hadn't seen and there lay my prize, with an excellent flowy drape and the most elegant pattern for a nice summer kimono.

At this point we had both gotten fairly comfortable speaking into the translator and letting it do the work for us and finally I called and end to it, much to her amusement as she was already firing up new pieces of fabric for me to take a look at. She laid out every piece, and total I pulled up a final phrase to say goodbye.

She handed me the bill and I just nodded, and pushed play on my final message.

"Agora estou falida, mas também muito feliz. Obrigado."

She laughed and smiled, and I stuffed a backpack meant for work with a bunch of pretty colors and wended the rest of the 15 minutes back to my office space to finish out my work day.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

International Shopping

During a search for a secret dinner, much longer story I don't feel like telling now, I somehow ended up in a mall in Brasilia. Malls are one of my least favorite things, but in some countries malls are the beginning and end of the best of the best.

I recall this from Korea. People going to malls to be seen in malls to spend 1000% markup on an apple because they got it in a mall. Yes, malls. This is a very different experience in Brazil, where a mall is actually much more like a mall in America crossed with a factory outlet, crossed with a pop up garage sale. It's nice, but not so nice that you have to pay more than ten bucks for anything.

Wandering through said mall, low on sleep, low on food, at least three quarts low on water, and definitely low on booze, I saw a dress.

It always starts with a dress.

So, I wander into the stores and the very nice girls speak very nice Portuguese to me. Apparently, when the language is not Spanish, I suddenly know Spanish. This is amusing since anytime anyone speaks to me in Spanish I only seem to know Korean, so I guess I'm slowly working out that language problem.

After looking up and down at the dresses for a few minutes, I find something I love and really want to try on (not to mention the dress that dragged me in here in the first place). I stumble through communication, and manage to find my way into a dressing room. I try on the piece I want, which would fit beautifully if it weren't for some of the weird flaws of my body. As it were it fit everywhere perfectly, but it still didn't quite fit the way I wanted and I couldn't completely justify to myself buying a dress I would have to alter.

While I tried on this, several more dresses suddenly appeared in my little cube. Apparently, aggressive selling is a thing. Several dresses later, I was pretty sure I was leaving empty handed.

I looked at the dress I wanted, but I would also have to fix, and sighed. Walking out of my cube I went to hand it to the girl who showed me in, trying to explain the problem.

"I...ugh. I don't speak Portuguese. It's perfect everywhere except the arms. I have some trouble there."

An older woman, who is being fitted in a dress and who has been talking quite loudly for five minutes turns around and yells at the girls. I figure she is upset for being disturbed.

"I explained to them. I speak some English. Here, you come help me."

She disrobes and stands naked before me.

"Sure, what help do you need," I ask, not blinking. This is not my first naked rodeo.

"What do you think of this cut. They say they love it, but I have arms like you. What do you think?"

To be fair, very few people have arms like me. Being able to lift my body weight means my actual arms are lean and strong. Having lost more than half my body weight, my arms are uneven and sometimes challenging to dress. More often then not I buy sleeveless as this is just simpler.

She tries on several outfits, stripping naked underneath between each new item. We finally agree that the last one does what she wants while still being flattering. The Brazilian girls, not giving up, have brought me several more dresses in the meantime, forcing me back into a cube to try a few thing on. One lovely long maxi dress I really enjoy, but it's very long.

I step out, feeling a bit emboldened, even with my arms showing, by the naked woman earlier.

"Que linda, small!" the shopkeeper exclaims. I turn, trying to figure this out.

She puts her hands on my breasts.


It has been awhile since I've been felt up by a random stranger in a foreign country who finds my body just fascinating.

She points to my ass, to my arms, to my legs "So big!"

Then she points to my breasts "Small."

"Secret," she says pulling me in close. She pulls down her shirt and shows me her padded cups.

"You, boobs. You know, get boobs."

I smile, because what else can you do when every other part of your body is smoking for days, but you barely manage to squeeze out a B cup in the chesticle area.

In the end I bought one dress and we laughed as we closed out that at least they got me for one dress and more than a little foreigner amusements as we tried to figure out clothes, styles, interests, boobs and language all in one go.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Language Confusion

I do enjoy traveling south of the border, but it always seems to be impossibly hard looking the way I look with a second language that is Korean, not Spanish, not Portuguese. It always feels like I've done something very wrong to end up where I am, talking as I do, and not fitting in even though I look the part more than anyone else. 

This was the trouble with showing up in São Paulo. My coworker meets me at the airport after several various farces in communication. 

"I'm at the Starubucks."

"I'm standing in front of the Starbucks."

"But you are not here."

"It's across from the Red Lobster."

"What is a lobster of red?"

In other words, it took awhile but we finally met. He went to work and sent me on to my hotel where I hoped to check in and get food. 

Things I forgot about Brazil. Eating times. Brazil eats between 12:00 and 15:00. Then everything closes until 19:00. It was now, 11:30, I'd just gotten off a 20 hours flight where my last meal was easily 18 hours ago, I was hungry, tired, an little fatigued and still, in spite of trying, didn't speak Portuguese. This means, of course, additional waiting and additional frustration and me getting hangry which all boils down to, bad time. 

Finally, I sulked in my room until noon and then ate the only thing on the menu I recognized which was frozen ceviche (not exactly how that is supposed to be done). This makes me smile and think of a note from the Guitarist ("I don't like to eat seafood when I'm this far from the sea.") 

Later I do what I am good at doing before being left on my own to feel like I'm bad at what I'm doing. If my goal is to make English more accessible, than why oh why do I keep ending up in places where everyone invests in the language but no one can speak it. 

Do I need to do more? Probably. 

In the meantime, I have cold fish, cold booze, and a country to play in. 

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Up and Over

Sitting in an airport lounge on a Sunday afternoon, when I would really most rather be sitting on my couch under a pile of dogs.

Sitting in an airport lounge watching the temperature tick up to 100 in the windy city.

Sitting in an airport lounge, working my weekend away.

Sitting in an airport lounge looking down an almost 20 hours flight.

Sitting in an airport lounge typing away.

Sitting in an airport lounge thinking about all the things I miss in this city when I am not here. All the things, all the people, all the places, the little pieces of this place I want to be home that I am starting to think of as home.

Sitting and waiting to fly.

Such a familiar feeling.

Saturday, June 16, 2018


She had a history, but she had not past. 

It's a funny thing, to see all the words here. This is all history. Theoretically, it is even my past, but it doesn't feel like the past. It doesn't feel like the life I lived. It's the story of someone else's life, while mine just goes on and one. It's just words like rain, falling in the dark, making wet puddles on streets of memory I refuse to travel on.

Laying in bed with the Guitarist, trading stories of our histories, my history rarely goes back more than ten years, his history goes back so much further. And there in lies the difference between me and everyone, history has always been a safe place, but not the past.

Somewhere, somehow, I lost my past in favor of my history and the pursuit of who I am. Somewhere in the sunrise ahead lies a future I cannot predict. Tomorrow I wake up inside history that I am living, moments that will become history and my interaction in those moments is as meaningless as a butterfly floating currents in the wind. Float for word, never back words, let the past be dust and the history be sand floating through the never ending hourglass that turns, and turns, and turns, and turns.

Friday, June 15, 2018


A thing I think I have learned that has merit is that there are different ways people fit together physically. That half of our lives and our loves and our obsessions are around how we fit together as humans. If you don't take a chance on trying everything you want, you miss the deeper problem of how people relate, how they fit, how they work together.

This is the thing that I have fully understood, and it's a strange thing to comprehend.

It's about connection.

"It always seemed you had the best time with the ones you connect with," Calembour described it once.

This was a correct description. I can tell it from reading through myself, every time I write about an experience it was because there was a connection. These connections were always fleeting and they disappeared so quickly. Until...

This is the difference between now and then. Then I needed to know so much more.

Now, I want so much more.

The desires is only satisfactory to such a small degree.

The connection is the thing that makes living meaningful.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Dull Life

This was the only interesting thing to happen today. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018


There was  some kind of breakthrough. I don’t know how to describe it. If it was something in me that was finally seeing clearly, or something in you that was finally projecting the right way, but there was a moment when there was suddenly  a complete and utter openness into your soul. Like blood magick, like sex magick, there was almost certainly magick involved.

“Do you mind if I burn sage?”

“Not at all.”

I watch as you swirl it around yourself and I think about the smell of sage and what it means to me. The memories that the smell evokes. Deserts from my youth, rituals from my youth. Cleansing out the ghost of the past. Opening ways for the future.

You pass the sage to me and it is in my hand, white sage. This is as familiar to me as time. Breathing in, breathing out, the warm salty, musty cedar drifts in front of me. This piece I hold, watching the ember burn close to my fingers.

“It’s really hard not to invoke the four corners with this.”

“Oh, you practiced magick?”

“Practice. I still do. I hate to be a stereotype, but here I am stereotypical. A goth girl, bisexual, pagan, hedonist. Stereotypes exist for a reason.”

“Sometimes I think I’m a stereotype.”

“Which one?”

Sage is burning in my hand and I can’t help myself, I hold it to the four corners and close it in the Earth sigils and then I ask where I can let it burn. Dangerous magick, intuitive magick.

There is something waking up inside of me that has been denied for so long and I can’t tell if it is you or the other events in my life. We are perfect together. We are entirely mismatched. I talk too much, my loquaciousness seems to fill a space of silence; inadequacy bubbles under the surface. You tell a story with a parsimonious usage of language that I envy in the moment.

I babble before you like a brook.

“Can we look at the stars now?”

On a bed, we lay back and look at the glow of the stars shining above us, in the crook of your arm, safe, contained, vulnerable. This time is quiet, there are no words, either yours or mine. I’m comfortable with this silence. We listen to the music droning on in the background and the stars thrum overhead.

“What are you thinking about?”

“That I want to sketch you.” And it’s true. My fingers have traced the lines of your muscles and your views pulsing under skin, looking at your profile thinking about the turn of your muscles as you bend, as you stretch, exhausted, invigorated.  

Later, I exhaust myself over you, you with a view of me, my hair a strange dark cloud around my face, the room full of the smell of sex and sweat and sage, and as I feel like I’m about to finish a marathon and achieve my goal, desperate to keep my eyes open, I am suddenly very far away. In your arms and not in your arms, in your bed and not in your bed, in my mind and not in my mind.

And then I have a vision.

Across my mind, I hear myself screaming out “I can see again.” And I know what I mean as I watch my vision unfold.

Flying over a field of trees that unfolds before me, there is smoke rising up in spots from the trees and large mountains in the distance. Music punctuates weird places of silence and there is such strange tranquility. I am the bridge floating above this,  a breeze. The air smells of human smoke but none of this feels threatening. I glide out into the forest, confronted by the sea, oceans slamming and cresting against a shore and suddenly there is the blackness of a city eventually, but somehow in the city the connection is better, the connection is stronger, the city doesn’t feel quite so foreign the city feels even more like home and homecoming is not bitter. There is connection here.

“I’m sorry.” I come back from my vision in tears. I don’t know how long I have been gone, I don’t know how to explain to you what has happened.
“I’m sorry,” as I lay next to you and curl into your arms and let the tears happen because I am so happy in this moment because it has been decades since I have really seen and I’m overwhelmed. I’m not entirely sure I understand. But I do. And I can’t explain without words.

Something, something, something, opened, like a Rosetta Stone, interpretation happens and it all falls into place. Earlier I had said, rashly, rudely, that I didn’t know how to read you. That you were beyond my ability to read. I am a good read of people. I have to be for my work and my life, and everything that I do. I was wrong, I was being belligerent, I was closing myself off to something obvious, to the communication that was there. I wanted words.

Words mean nothing.

Actions mean everything.

This was what I learned in my vision. That, and more. There is much in this vision. It has been so long, so long, since I have had a vision in waking time, not in dream time. It’s easier to ignore dreams. It’s harder to ignore what you know in your waking time.

You were communicating. I was ignoring you. This is what I learned from my vision.

The moment was so much, and too exhausting for me to process fully there. Only later could I appreciate all that we had said. Not just because we had talked but because there was so much communication that had nothing to do with talking and I wasn’t listening. I processed again, listening to all of it.

Somehow, this is part of the fabric of what I need. Not the only part, but an important part.

I can finally hear it.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

The Ghosts of Korea

Sitting in Chicago and watching the news is wrenching. I can't even really describe all the feelings I have around this. Thirteen years Korea was home. There is so much I learned there. So much I learned incorrectly. So much I got right.

So much love.

So much laughter.

The quiet joys of sharing a home.

The quiet joys of adopting a dog.

The quiet joys of weekends spent driving through the mountains.

And then the bottom fell out and it seems like five years I was living in Korea, but more like I was chasing Korea. Trying not to let it get away from me.




Then a cafe in Itaweon overlooking Seoul.

Then a plane.

Then a new job.

Then dissolving for three more years.

The funny thing is I moved out of Korea, but it wasn't until three years later that I left Korea.

The relationships.

The entanglements.

The memories.

An ability I now have is to encapsulated the experiences of a dozen years in one bullet point on my resume.

Now, three years on, I feel free of Korea, and yet, it is hard for me to read the news, look at the news, see the news and not think of what North and South Korea from my very personal experiences of North and South Korea.

Watching JSA.

Hording Ramen.

The first nuclear test.

The first test launch of a missile over Japan.

Threats, and threats, and threats of a turning my home into a sea of fire.

The fishing boat.

The tunnels.

The death of Kim Jong Il.

Watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol while waiting to see if the bombs would drop.

Updating an evacuation plan once a year.

Kim Jong Un.

The murders.

The strikes.

There is so much that can happen in thirteen years. Lives made, relationships that are practically grown adults, grown over time, shaping, learning, maturing, changing, like the relationship itself. Moving together in some ways. Apart in others.

I moved close to Korea, I loved Korea, I had a passion for shin of the land built over time and acceptance. It was a place of many feelings.

The news is worrisome. Dictators moving and shaking and building up new powers and new joined forces and the implications of this terrify my. Looking back on the past in a place I loved, wondering if it is strong enough for what is coming.

Change is inevitable and Korea is about to become the fabled river of Heraclitus. The news upsets me because I don't know what is coming. It upsets me because it make clear how much as changed. Lends the realness to inability to ever traverse places that have ghosts to haunt me.

The new ghosts could be so much worse.

Monday, June 11, 2018


Thunderstorms have been rolling through the area for days, bringing odd flashes of light all times of night. Lying in bed, staring out the window, thinking about the moon, I listen to the rain falling against the house and the warm soft sighs of my sleeping puppies. It feels like a trance, lying in bed, watching the lights make shapes in the black.







Around me the are has that gunpowder smell. The smell of ozone and power and strength that is the smell of a Thunderstorm.

I remember,

I remember,

I remember,

Once when I was eight I remember standing in the middle of a dirt road at the top of a mountain. Wearing various sundry rags, legs scratched up from climbing trees, my fingernails a ratty dirty mess. The sky boiled that day, grey on black on grey with hints of green at the edges. The winds were not whipping yet, it was that quiet lull before the storm. I stood and inhaled. Exhaled. The dirt, inhale, the summer exhale. The ozone smell, the thunder. A little girl wondering what it would be like to ride a lightening bolt to safety. 

Waves break me out of my trance, keeping me from going back to far. I listen to the waves beat against the lake shore, loud and angry and forced by wind. Power, there too, boiling under the surface of the water, like the memories that float on the front of a thunder storm.

Lighting in the sky above.

Cool rain falling.

The ever restless motion of the inland sea.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Time Processing

Here in that place now where I'm almost fairly sure I am madly in-love again, or maybe just mad. Madly maybe. There is nothing wrong with it though, the mad process of thinking about the difference you think now about they way someone snorts when they laugh and the first time you heard it. Or the reply that is so subtle in its shade of meeting while being just slightly out of reach if you are not paying attention. Or perhaps the way one flips their hair. The tilt of a cap at you. The smile. The way the eyes open when they see your eyes. The first time someone leans back into you and your body holds them, together, silent, touching, just being there.

That place constructed of mad emotion documenting first connection for playback on fiftieth, sixtieth. It's all part of a little fabric that creates the beginning of those little bonds that weave into a fabric that is wonderful, strange, and forever lasting. Even when the threads are frayed, they are still there.

Isn't that, right there, that thing that we create in our loves and our communities and our lovers and our obsessions, isn't that the thing that all the best stories are built on: that moment when, after years, two people look into each others and a lifetime falls in place?

Saturday, June 09, 2018

Drunken Russian Princes

Lying in a bed that is not my own, watching the host of the party tell stories to a small captured audience, his silhouette is Elvis Costello with a better nose, I smile and drift and...

Later we sit in a different room, talking thrums back and forth and...

"I should probably go," I whisper, maybe whisper, my voice sometimes feels like it's there and not there and too there.

"You sure?"


It's part exhaustion from the thrum that has been my week, part too much wine, part too much socializing, part too much figuring out how to socialize.

"Alright, let's get your stuff."

A call a car as I carefully place it foot down unfamiliar stairs, spill on to the street. Wait.

The car pulls up and I hop in and we start to move but about half a block away he suddenly pulls over. I worry a little, wait, wonder a bit...

"I'm sorry," he says with a slight accent.

"Is everything okay?"

"My last passenger. This girl. She was really drunk. Too drunk. She left her bag." He holds it up over the seat at me.


"Do you mind, she was so drunk I should have checked twice she had everything. do you mind if we take this back to her house?"

"No, not at all."

"She was just so drunk-"

"It's really okay."

"Thanks, thanks so much. I'll give you a free ride home."

"You don't have to do that."

But he insisted. As he started to drive he passed the bag back to me to see if I could find anything useful and confirm her address. He had a sense of where he had just been, but the information no longer being useful he had to try to recreate it through his upset.

"I have a license and an address. Ugh and her phone." It will be fun when she notices that is missing.

"Good, Great."

I navigate and in less then a few minutes we pull into one of those old Chicago townhouses, immaculate garden, beautiful Floyd Right influenced prairie style. White flowers were twinkling in the soft garden light that made the front of the house look as if it was full of fairies.

"I'll be back in a moment."

"Actually, maybe I should. A surprise woman may be less surprising at 1 a.m."

"Yes, yes, good idea."

License in hand, I took the stairs and walked towards the classic artdeco stained glass. I could see in: light shining down from a glass chandelier on hardwood floors, a table, a vase, flowers. Immaculate, perfect. I wonder what kind of life it must be to live in such a polished place. So finished, without small piles of books and magazines and letters and the daily ephemera of a life that is being lived. When I see these types of homes I always think of antiseptic, a place scrubbed so clean it is free of everything including living.

As I stand peaking through the windows into the little castle in the middle of the city, the must be owner of the purse, her shoes in hand, she teeters a bit as she shuts the door. I knock on the door. She pauses and looks up. I hear a dog barking somewhere. She doesn't turn around to see me, but I can still see her.

I knock again. The dogs suddenly bound into view, two humongous Great Danes, running up to investigate their resident and the sudden noise. I knock again, this time on the window. She turns and the dogs run at the window. Squinting at me, I think she might decide to call the police, so I slap her ID against the window. Eyes wide she comes to the door.

"Yes," stronger accent. Definitely Russian, given the last name on the ID.

"You left your purse, your bag -"

I hold up the small clutch.

"Yes, yes, thank you, yes."

She reaches out to grab it allowing the door to open and suddenly the two Great Danes leap out at me in the dark and the night. It didn't even occur to me to react, I just stooped and started saying 'puppies' while petting the friendly waggly dogs.

"Yes, shhhhh, yes yes, thank you, in in in, yes, goodbye, okay."

And with that she works to usher the dogs in and shut the door.

I stand on the porch in the fairy lights a moment and watch her sneak upstairs and realize that she must be an escaped princess from this little castle, out on the town and wanting know one to be the wiser. I suddenly feel like the hero of a modern epic, for surely, by running the wallet up to her door I have saved her any amount of endless trouble in the morning. I am epic and might. I'm terribly amused.

Friday, June 08, 2018


I fell out of the habit again,  but it's more like words are mush in my mind and I can't get them to string together properly to capture the moments and the feelings and the spaces I want to capture.

The heartleaping joy of trying to figure out how to navigate new connections.

The crushing depths of unhappy news that I have no ability to control or influence.

The minor success.

The minor random strangeness that comes and goes in my life.

And without the documentation it is all missed and it all disappears into a memory chute that only occasionally activates when I have the chance to tell a story one more time. It is a bad habit to fall into.

There has been travel and there are stories there.

There is the weird and the wondrous and the woefully ominous, and the augury that makes me want to know what is coming, and the fear that makes me want to hold carefully back.

I have been busy.

I have been lazy.

I have been lost.

I have been found.

I have solidify through silence a love that is so deep and powerful and overwhelming that silence became a deafening blackness bringing clarity to everything.

There has been clarity.

There has been unfocused madness.

And then there is just me still swimming.

Sometimes it's the little things, the quick rambling action that helps to kick start everything else.

And so.