Sunday, July 01, 2018

This is Our Today

We are in a moment that won't let anyone check out anymore. Everyone has to be on all the time, ready to go, thinking about possible solutions.

"It was just after the election, someone posted something asking if you'd be ready to hide people when it comes to that. And, I shrugged it off. I didn't think it would happen so fast," the Bard says as I sit on the couch spilling out all my various fears.

"And we are ready?"

It's sort of the constant spinning question now because it seems more and more like it's not an if but a when it happens. The last hope is still months away and there is still no real sure way to know exactly what is going to happen, how it will happen and how it will end.

So, what do you do?

For the last two days I stayed in my room, sewing, making things. I'm thinking of how I can make more complicated things. Anything to keep my hands busy. Keep me busy, keep me from thinking to hard about thing.

In the middle of the afternoon my heart started racing and I felt the nervous edge of a panic attack coming on, and suddenly I couldn't really breathe and I wanted to run, to hide, to cry. I felt frozen in it. My anxiety is become so real it is recognizable to me, palpable. The way it freezes me in place and keeps me from being active. I almost couldn't sew, the desire to do bad things was so overwhelming.

There is enough darkness in my life that there are moments when it is really easy to feel it on the surface, but this usually passes and I'm always okay, but lately, it just seems so much more...possible.
Everything horrible seems possible and this is the thing that is possibly the most terrifying.

Nothing horrible happened yesterday, just thousands upon thousands, upon millions of people standing up around the world and shouting that we would not go gentle. And yet, it still seems like the sky is falling and that each today without the world ending is just today in which we have been so lucky yet again.

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